THEY MADE ANOTHER ONE. As has been previously documented I love the optimum triple play musicals. And now there is a new one. While it lacks the narrative arc (pirates, sea monster) and complete absurdity of the original (pirates, sea monster) it does have a granny mechanic and a Puerto Rico burger. And of course 877 393 4448.
So I love me some chocolate covered peanut butter. But I do not love it when it becomes sexualized.
This isn't even like eating-is-sexy or chocolate-stimulates-the-same-part-of-your-brain-as-sex. This is RAPE-YOUR-CANDY-BAR. Which I think would be a bad idea. Messy if nothing else. And could possibly cause some sort of infection. Lord knows what preservatives they're putting in those things.
So this ad is on Tv all the time. Its one of those Match.com "its okay to look ads" that just have like ten seconds of a person doing something that defines them as a person. I dunno, I guess it's a decent premise for a dating site ad campaign. Its not amazing but its not terrible either. But then there is this one. Its of a woman lying on a bench (or a piano, lets imagine piano) and giggling for no good reason and that's it. And I can't for the life of me figure out A) why would a girl giggling make me want to go on a dating site? 2)How does this define her as a date able person? and c) What on earth is going on off frame to make her giggle? And then I figured it out. Oral Sex.
Blasphemy! BLASPHEMY I SAY! To be fair I’ve hated every single one of these ads in this series. There has been Riply fighting the Alien and talking about Directv. There has been Kirk mocking Spock while shilling Directv. And it all started off with the Back to the Future one. But for some reason I find this ad particularly offensive. Maybe because its making fun of torture. I mean, I know that torture is no big deal. We do what we have to in the name of national security. God forbid we take the moral high road. That would just be stupid. Theres a bomb in manhattan and you have the man who planted it and its going to go off in an hour what do you do? Do you torture? Is this a scenario that will ever actually show up in reality? Also Misery is a brilliant movie.
I hate the ads for Kay’s jewelers so much that if any person I am dating every buys me a “journey diamond necklace” I will break up with them on the spot for their utter lack of creativity. I mean, if anyone ever buys me diamonds period we have a problem. Those sparkles come from the blood of innocents. No like seriously, they do. In doing research for this post (because I am responsible blogmistress) I explored the Kay’s site which does have some information on conflict diamonds if you look really really hard. Mostly along the lines of “Kay’s doesn’t buy diamonds from conflict countries” and “less than 1% of the worlds diamonds are conflict diamonds.” To the first I am sure Kay’s does what ever they can. But one of the reasons why diamonds are so useful to non-government fighters is just how easy they are to smuggle. To the second point: I have no idea where that statistic came from. There is no way to tell where diamonds came from and conflict diamonds are difficult to track (obviously). Therefore, no one actually knows what percentage of the world’s diamond market is tainted with blood. Regardless, don’t buy diamonds. It’s trite if nothing else
I'm introducing a new slant to this blog that has been up until this point slantless. This slant will be "ads I hate." I watch waaaay too much television yet I don't have a tivo and as a result have a passionate hatred for many of the 30 second spots designed to get me to buy things. And so I will talk about my hatred, here on this blog. No other point. We wouldn't want this blog to have meaning now would we? The very first ad we (I) shall rant about is actually a seres of ads I have hated for over a year now. Any one who has been in a room with me when one of these ads played is aware of how much I. Hate. These. Ads.
They're for Charles Schwabs brokerage firm. Which perhaps is problem number one. I don't have a broker as I am 1) a student and b) poor so I find it very very hard to sympathized with these yuppies. The ads are animated using roboscoping which is a technique in which the scene is filmed using live actors and then the film is drawn over by hand (though probs now its done by computer). It was most famously used by Richard Linklater in waking life were it served a trippy dream like affect. Obviously Charles Schwab wanted a way to differentiate themselves from the pack of other brokerage ads, though come to think of it I can't think of a single other broker ad. I can only imagine how the pitch went for this. Ad guy: so... money is sexy. Chuck Schwab guy: Yes money = sexy. AG: but talking about money is boring. CS: Agreed. AG: so what we're going to do is film people talking about money. CS: boring. AG: But they we will ANIMATE THEM. CS: HURRAY! And then I image they drank a lot of kettle one* or what ever it is that expensive brokers and ad people drink these days. What drives me so crazy about these ads is the potential for craziness just under the surface. I look at that animation and I'm just waiting for some one's skin to split open and out pour butterflies. But no such luck. Because its boring yuppies. Talking about money. I mean jeeze they could at lease sing.
I present the most annoying movie trailer of all time.
Brian De Palma's "Redacted."
I have not seen this movie, the reviews are mixed though everyone agrees that it is hell to sit through. Regardless of how it is as a "Film" this trailer makes me want to stab someone.
